Found you.

Why do I do this.
Why do I do it when I know I'll feel my heart skip a beat when I see her name pop up on the screen?
Why do I search for her when I know I want to slit her throat if ever I see her in reality?
Why do I type in her name, indulging my curiosity when I know that I will regret it?


Stupid stupid stupid stupid.

Even now, I'm going back to her name, her picture, and cursing myself for doing it.

Fuck.
It's been over ages ago.

Cheebai fuck.

Now I've found her.
What do I do now.


Smart, Nilly, smart.

Fucking genius you are.

Now where's my punching pag.

Err... bag.



Damn it.


I can't do it. I can't prolong this.
I can't live down your mistakes, not when I'm living everyday with mine.
I can forgive you, but it's been so long, and I still can't forget.
Why can't I let go?
Why do I keep returning to it, when I know that it's been done and ended.

The choice you made at destroying me and what I had, that was cruel.
And I let you go for it, I let you go unharmed.
But if retribution was a right, I would have made you live through what I had to.
Fall to the floor the way I did, and break apart so badly that pieces are still missing.
Feel yourself losing control, losing love, and above all, losing yourself, the way I lost repeatedly.
I would have made you suffered, and I would have made you see me the way I kept seeing you all this time.
The way you enter my head and make me loathe, I've been hoping to forget.
But you're always in the back somewhere, biding your time before rising again.

Your eyes.
Your hand.
Your lips.
All not belonging to him.

I loathe you.
And because of that, I am still connected to you.
And I don't have the blade it takes to cut you away.


And you're just another girl.
Another I have to forget.
But how can I forget a lesson learned,
And a wound uncleaned.